In Memory of the Birth of My Javascript Scientific Calculator V1.0

After 10 days sleep (over 12 hours everyday) during the firs half of this winter break, I finally feel that I've totally re-gained my energy, so I began to work on my Javascript programming this week and had my HTML-CSS-Javascript Scientific Calculator V1.0 done last night. The first half of this week has been fairly productive:)

I was "hopelessly and desperately" sleepy those days, and was still thinking that I had lots of work to do, and was afraid that I cannot finish them, because I don't know how to do them. I somehow recognize that I begin to fear many things. I am afraid of many things that is unknown and uncontrollable. However, at the same time,if life is going too smoothly, I would complain that everything is so boring, and nothing excited, nothing unexpected has happened.I used to be very brave, and was afraid of nothing, and believed I could do everything if I wanted to, and I believe that's the thing that has driven me here in America, in this PhD program. Now, I sometimes feel unsafe, un-protected, and inconfident.Even when I got very good grades last semester, I somehow doubt whether that's an over-estimation of my ability. 

Then, when I finished my first version of Javascript Scientific Calculator in just the past three days based on my previous almost zero background of any webpage programming language. I realize how smart I am :) I say this just to find some of my lost confidence. I think I still need to believe that if I believe something, I could do it! I need to be really patient and calm down. There's no need to be panic and fear, things will work out the way it is.I don't know whether I could (I believe I could, if I want to), I will become an expert in webpage programming in the near future, though now I just made one small step from zero.  

Life Needs Beliefs and Dreams

I am watching the movie Eat, Pray, and Love now. An Italian guy is making fun of American people: "You feel guilty [about only eating but not working] because you are American. You don't know how to enjoy yourself. Americans know entertainment, but don't know pleasure. Americans, you work too hard. You get burned out. Then you come home, and spend the whole weekend in your pajamas in front of the TV. " I feel I am much much much worse in knowing what is pleasure, and always feel guilty about not working. However, my body is getting lazier and lazier and refuses to work.Actually, learning how to enjoy myself is also a kind of work to me, and I feel it's a difficult work and don't want to do. So the result is that I am doing nothing, neither play nor work, and only feel guilty about myself.

Sometimes, I feel I am too real, I am too aware of and also afraid of reality. I do everything on purpose. I try to be nice with every person around, but I hide myself, and I don't know how to enjoy myself, and I lost passion towards many things very soon. Last night, I spent Christmas Eve in my adviser's house. A friend expressed great passion about elder people by translating alive a speech on YouTube given by a French Granny. Although I cannot understand French, I was really moved, not by the French Granny, but by the friend's passion towards that speech. I am moved that there are still people really care about peace, animals, senior citizens, environment, and there are still people really believe the world could be a better place. I am not saying that I used to not believe, it's just I felt those are out of my control, so I don't dare to believe, because my belief couldn't change anything. Now I feel, actually I belief maybe could change something, at least myself. 

Life needs beliefs and dreams. Not all dreams need to come true; not all dreams need a plan to be implemented, to be realized. Some dreams, they will never come true, and you just hold them deep in you heart, and sleep with them with smiles.